An extract from Darreled Kenny's Diary

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So apparently some scandal all over Reddit and other stuff over this illegal gum has been going on and on and won't shut up, so, I've taken it upon myself to buy some of the illegal gum. Apparently your body can't digest it properly, and if it does, you have a struggle to get the poo out of your system because it's that big. So apparently the seller on Nile who I'm buying the gum off is called 'drugroofs', which was pretty nice taken aside that he's selling illegal stuff - one dude said he bought some used fags off the guy. I aspire to be like that. Yanno, all hipsta-y and late 1950-American-y? What, cigarettes and alcohol used to be cool back then. Grease, anybody?

So apparently this gum was EVERYWHERE now, and the Government is enforcing a new law that states that you cannot eat or sell the gum whatsoever, and those who get caught doing so can be prosecuted. I thought it was a pile of crap, considering that the Government does it too. One of my friends from school, Raj brought a box full of the stuff and apparently made a fortune. I dunno why I didn't think of that, God damnit.

The gum was exactly what I expected: a painful, toiletty experience. I honestly don't know why I had to be such a pussy and do it, because it didn't even taste good. Don't ask me why I ate it, I have issues. Perry and I started selling them in stools at school yesterday, and like I expected, we made a fortune. Thanks, Raj. With our new-found wealth, me and Perry decided to treat ourselves to a movie, and we watched about four horror movies before we threw up, and we were there until 4am. I decided to crash at his because his family were away, and since we had around forty quid left, we bought a bunch of bottles of champagne, and since I was too tired to break the law, I stayed safe and let Perry get hammered with the alcohol as he turned eighteen today. What a lucky twat, my birthday's in July. :(