The Choosing Ceremony
|This transcript is incomplete. Also, the author is addicted to this musical artist known as Zedd (like, seriously addicted), so there's probably a ton of musical references in this. But SCREW DAT, LET'S HAVE A DANCE PARTY!!!! If you want to, at least...|
Narrator: One day, in the factional city of Chicago...
Beatrice: Dang…how long do I have to wait in line for this stupid—
Candor Boy: OMG! THE DAUNTLESS ARE COMING THE DAUNTLESS ARE COMING!!!!!
(A train full of people in black jumpsuits whizzes by. Everyone in it begins jumping out.)
Amity Boy: …
Teenage Dauntless Girl: ELLIE GOOOUUUUULDIIIING!!!!! *jumps and lands in grass*
Five minutes of the exact same thing later…
Tori: Beatrice, get your butt in here! I don't have all day! Or maybe I do… *cackles maniacally*
Beatrice: Well, FYI, I have plans tonight! So I don't have all day!
Tori: Just drink the apple juice… *hands Beatrice a glass of blue stuff*
Beatrice: WTH?!?! THIS AIN'T APPLE JUICE! *forces herself to drink it anyway, then falls asleep*
Two minutes after waking up…
Beatrice: OH EM GEEH!!!!!!!! THE LIGHTS ARE SO PRETTY!
Young Beatrice: Choose.
Young Beatrice: Choose!
Beatrice: Fine, be that way. Wait...what's that dog doing here?
Young Beatrice: Getting ready to kill you.
Beatrice: Oh, cool! Wait, I mean, *camera cuts to shot of a forest* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *birds fly away by the tens of thousands*
Dog: *growls ferociously*
Beatrice: God help me now!
Dog: *turns into a chihuahua*
Beatrice: Well, that was uncalled for.
Young Beatrice: BUT SCREW DAT, LET'S HAVE A DANCE PARTY!!!! *whips out futuristic cell-phone thingie and calls some people. But not just any people...*
Several minutes in SST (Simulation Standard Time) later...
Everyone: *dances like there's no tomorrow*
(Beatrice wakes up from the simulation)
Beatrice: Oh ma gawd. *bursts into laughter*
Beatrice: Did you see when the dog appeared, and I was screaming so loud the birds flew away—
Beatrice: —and then the dog turned into a puppy, and young me called a bunch of people over for a dance party—
Tori: *starts to get annoyed* Beatrice—
Beatrice: —and if you'd been looking into my thoughts at the moment of the dance party, I'd have been all like, "THAT DJ IS SO HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!"—
Tori: *gets REALLY annoyed* That was Zedd. And Beatrice—!
Beatrice: —and he got this one song stuck in my head...it was all like "I WILL FIND YOU!!" and was sorta repetitive, but it was EPI—
Tori: BEATRICE! YOUR RESULTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE! NOW LISTEN TO THE REST BEFORE I KILL YOU!
Beatrice: Yeah, like I'm supposed to believe that you're gonna—
Tori: *pulls out a stick* FOR DAUNTLESS!
This part was lost due to censorship.
Later that night...
Caleb: Beatrice! WTH happened to your face?!
Beatrice: TORI DID THIS!! *starts crying*
Beatrice: TORI! MY SIMULATION ADMINISTRATOR!
Beatrice: I SAID, TORI DID THIS TO MY FACE!!!! *cries even harder at her brother's ignorance*
Caleb: I know, but who the heck is Tori?!?!
Beatrice: *gasps* YOU SON OF A—
This part was lost due to censorship as well.
The next morning, at the Choosing Ceremony...
Jeanine: I know that most of you already know this story, but I will repeat it anyway just to annoy you all. Decades ago...
(Jeanine goes on for hours about how the heck the faction system was formed)
Jeanine: And that's how Equestria was made!
Jeanine: DANG IT! WHO'S BEEN SCREWING WITH THE TELEPROMPTER?! *walks off the stage for a few minutes, then comes back holding the ceremonial knife* Now, let's begin, shall we?
Ten minutes of watching people cut their palms later...
Jeanine: Caleb Prior.
Caleb: YESSSSSSSSSS! IT WORKED!!!!
(Caleb chooses Erudite. Almost everyone is shocked.)
Abnegation Woman: OH GOD, NO! NOW HE'S GOING TO BECOME LIKE ONE OF THEM! *points at random Erudite girl*
Erudite Girl: ...so if the Z consists entirely of 45 and 90-degree angles and has a surface area of 3.6527392 inches, and the circle has a radius of approximately 1.2232 inches, then the area of the circle not covered by the Z must be—
(A random Dauntless boy chucks an apple at the Erudite girl's head)
Dauntless Boy: NOT NOW!!!
(Everyone then sits down and acts like nothing ever happened.)
To be continued...