FANDOM


Characters
Beatrice Prior
Caleb Prior
Jeanine Matthews
Tori Wu
Young Beatrice
Random inserts
Zedd (mentioned)
Locations
Chicago
Beatrice's mind
The Choosing Ceremony
Music
Find You Grind You
This transcript is incomplete. Also, the author is addicted to this musical artist known as Zedd (like, seriously addicted), so there's probably a ton of musical references in this. But SCREW DAT, LET'S HAVE A DANCE PARTY!!!! If you want to, at least...


Narrator: One day, in the factional city of Chicago...

Beatrice: Dang…how long do I have to wait in line for this stupid—

Candor Boy: OMG! THE DAUNTLESS ARE COMING THE DAUNTLESS ARE COMING!!!!!

(A train full of people in black jumpsuits whizzes by. Everyone in it begins jumping out.)

Amity Boy:

Teenage Dauntless Girl: ELLIE GOOOUUUUULDIIIING!!!!! *jumps and lands in grass*


Five minutes of the exact same thing later…


Tori: Beatrice, get your butt in here! I don't have all day! Or maybe I do… *cackles maniacally*

Beatrice: Well, FYI, I have plans tonight! So I don't have all day!

Tori: Just drink the apple juice… *hands Beatrice a glass of blue stuff*

Beatrice: WTH?!?! THIS AIN'T APPLE JUICE! *forces herself to drink it anyway, then falls asleep*


Two minutes after waking up…


Beatrice: OH EM GEEH!!!!!!!! THE LIGHTS ARE SO PRETTY!

Young Beatrice: Choose.

Beatrice: Why?

Young Beatrice: Choose!

Beatrice: Fine, be that way. Wait...what's that dog doing here?

Young Beatrice: Getting ready to kill you.

Beatrice: Oh, cool! Wait, I mean, *camera cuts to shot of a forest* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *birds fly away by the tens of thousands*

Dog: *growls ferociously*

Beatrice: God help me now!

Suddenly...

Dog: *turns into a chihuahua*

Beatrice: Well, that was uncalled for.

Young Beatrice: BUT SCREW DAT, LET'S HAVE A DANCE PARTY!!!! *whips out futuristic cell-phone thingie and calls some people. But not just any people...*


Several minutes in SST (Simulation Standard Time) later...


Everyone: *dances like there's no tomorrow*


(Beatrice wakes up from the simulation)


Beatrice: Oh ma gawd. *bursts into laughter*

Tori: Beatrice—

Beatrice: Did you see when the dog appeared, and I was screaming so loud the birds flew away—

Tori: Beatrice—

Beatrice: —and then the dog turned into a puppy, and young me called a bunch of people over for a dance party—

Tori: *starts to get annoyed* Beatrice—

Beatrice: —and if you'd been looking into my thoughts at the moment of the dance party, I'd have been all like, "THAT DJ IS SO HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Tori: *gets REALLY annoyed* That was Zedd. And Beatrice—!

Beatrice: —and he got this one song stuck in my head...it was all like "I WILL FIND YOU!!" and was sorta repetitive, but it was EPI—

Tori: BEATRICE! YOUR RESULTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE! NOW LISTEN TO THE REST BEFORE I KILL YOU!

Beatrice: Yeah, like I'm supposed to believe that you're gonna—

Tori: *pulls out a stick* FOR DAUNTLESS!


This part was lost due to censorship.


Later that night...


Caleb: Beatrice! WTH happened to your face?!

Beatrice: TORI DID THIS!! *starts crying*

Caleb: Who?

Beatrice: TORI! MY SIMULATION ADMINISTRATOR!

Caleb: Huh?

Beatrice: I SAID, TORI DID THIS TO MY FACE!!!! *cries even harder at her brother's ignorance*

Caleb: I know, but who the heck is Tori?!?!

Beatrice: *gasps* YOU SON OF A—


This part was lost due to censorship as well.


The next morning, at the Choosing Ceremony...


Jeanine: I know that most of you already know this story, but I will repeat it anyway just to annoy you all. Decades ago...


(Jeanine goes on for hours about how the heck the faction system was formed)


Jeanine: And that's how Equestria was made!

Everyone: ...

Jeanine: DANG IT! WHO'S BEEN SCREWING WITH THE TELEPROMPTER?! *walks off the stage for a few minutes, then comes back holding the ceremonial knife* Now, let's begin, shall we?


Ten minutes of watching people cut their palms later...


Jeanine: Caleb Prior.

Caleb: YESSSSSSSSSS! IT WORKED!!!!


(Caleb chooses Erudite. Almost everyone is shocked.)


Abnegation Woman: OH GOD, NO! NOW HE'S GOING TO BECOME LIKE ONE OF THEM! *points at random Erudite girl*

Erudite Girl: ...so if the Z consists entirely of 45 and 90-degree angles and has a surface area of 3.6527392 inches, and the circle has a radius of approximately 1.2232 inches, then the area of the circle not covered by the Z must be—


(A random Dauntless boy chucks an apple at the Erudite girl's head)


Dauntless Boy: NOT NOW!!!


(Everyone then sits down and acts like nothing ever happened.)




To be continued...

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