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December 4, 2014

Well, this is my dorky diary of a dorky life.

My name is Darreled. Darreled Kenny. I honestly don't know what I'm going to put here, so here goes.

It was time for the school tests. I was totally not prepared. Even the dickhead school bullies did better than me. Much like every morning, I drank my usual pink lemonade, and lip synced a bunch of songs from The Bee Gees. I sighed. It was time for school.

I ran to school, my backpack practically floating whilst I tried to tackle the flowing wind. I was totally not ready for a crappy day out. The bullies pointed at me and randomly blurted, "Hey, Darreled! You flanneled?"
"Shut up, Brian." I complained. "Get ready for some "great" results."

He gave me a stern look.

I sighed in relief that he'd buzz off.

The bell rung. It was time for the Geography test.

"Darreled Kenny! You're late for class!" Screamed the teacher, Mrs. Winterbottom.

"Shut up, Winterbutt." murmured Darreled.

The tests were give out by the teacher's pet, Andrew Hodge.

He stuck his thumbs up at me. He turned his head and smiled at the teacher.

She smiled back.

"You will have sixty minutes to complete this test. Okay, Darreled?" said Mrs. Winterbottom.

I could obviously detect sarcasm, and ignored her existence.

I started the test.

The first question was "Who is the president of Costa Rica?"

I had no idea.

I just made my pencil throw up with the words, "GeoRGE HamILTON"

I hoped it was correct.

My pencil was broken.

I had to stand up, in front of everyone, and sharpen. It was super awkward. Mrs. Winterbutt's desk seemed like a mile away from my desk, at the very back. I was finally done.

"Five minutes left", said the teacher.

I shuddered.

My grades were always crap. I couldn't really complain.

I decided to finish the question.

"What is the capital city of Ethiopia?"

Man, I didn't have a clue.

The test was over. It was time for recess.

I decided to chill inside, it was cold outside.


The bell rung, dropping the milestone for the end of recess. I just decided to slack and get the tests over with. It was time for Wildlife. I had no clue why wildlife tests actually exist, but now wasn't the time to ask.

"Name seven animals that live in the Arctic."

I scribbled down "5 pENGuiNS, 2 seALS."

Next question.

"On a daily basis, how many animal species become extinct?"

"LoTS." My answer read.

The test was over.

The end of the day was here.

I ran off, the bullies laughing at my test results for my geography test.

To be continued.

December 9, 2014


Today's the day, the big school trip and were going to Home Lane Zoo, Mrs. Sours claims that they have the world's most beautiful donkey. So you can tell this is gonna be a terrible trip. Like, literally. The poop probably makes you trip hard.

We have to walk all they there because Mr. Jordans says a coach is not in the budget - and I'm not surprised, all the teachers used their money on fags and champagne. The teachers made us wear these smelly old jackets so we don't get lost, they reeked of the year elevens last year - fags and other stuff.

As we were walking we went past home lane nursery I saw the kid who bit me staring out of the window I glared at him in a stern manner, and I'm pretty sure he started crying, so I just ran to the front of the line.

Finally, when we arrived, the 'attraction of the day', the gorilla's cage was full of, well, lets say 'faeces' and the toilets were full of toilet seats. Heck, the gorilla cage looked more advertising than the toilets.

And there was a sign saying, 'EXIT HERE IF THE GORILLAS GO WILD'.

I think it was just one of those adult pranks because 'gorillas' was spelt incorrectly and the sign was pointing to the toilets, plus, all adults can think of is spelling things wrong and it's hilarious. Enjoy it whilst it lasts* If you ask me, I'd rather get eaten by the gorilla than go into the toilets.


*Darreled used a magnifying glass to write this statement

December 13, 2014


The school turned fifty. So did the percentage of my cares.

Today we did the usual, the register, half an hour's worth of reading, and we had our recess. Seriously, it was like Dawn Of The Planet Kids out there. I was in the little kids playground because I had to do this stupid thing were you get picked to look after little kids from Home Lane nursery, psh, more like Home Lame nursery.

It was like torture out there! One of the little olive flounders bit my arm. I told Mrs. Hatch, this stupid French teacher, and she 'told' the little monster off. The little pantalones cagados started crying and I got in trouble! The old hag told me I wasn't child friendly enough for the job - and she sent me and my butt back.

All the tests were out of the way, so I decided to just sit through our 'party' for my school's anniversary. So what? My mum's older than that! No party for her, like she'd survive one anyway. Anyway. So we had all these crappy 20p Store balloons, fifty of them, and fifty kids got to hold them. Guess what? Half of them popped BEFORE we let them into the air. Then we had to sing all these broken up songs from Frozen, and of course, you guessed it, Let it go. The teachers made us start swaying for some unknown reason, and she forced me to do it. After half a second, all the girls started laughing at me and she told me to get out. Great. I was the only one that hated that teacher, AND my being in the class. They started to read out all the stuff they were going to put in it, and I couldn't help craving to throw up after about half of them were announced. Some batteries. What. The. HECK? A lollipop. Who's going to want to eat that? There was tons more. The only one that was memorable, (not in a good way) was a MINIATURE version of the actual time capsule. Sure, the girls thought it was cool, including my girlfriend, Cyndy. Sure, it was pretty cool - I admit - but still, junk. Anyways, after that, the Headteacher made the announcement that it was lunch, but we were having it OUTSIDE. Holy cheese. It brought back tons of memories from this thing called 'The Teddy Bears Picnic'. Bad memories.

December 17, 2014


The end of Year Ten was finally here. Tests, grades, reports, and all sorts of other junk I didn't care about had all finally past. But guess what? Our headteacher, Mr. Jordans, decided to throw a party for us all. I got a small glimpse of what the teachers were doing. Champagne. Wine. Beer. I saw the deputy head, Mrs. Simonds, Smoking. Boy, I wanted to be there, because they were having an actual party. I think Mr. Jordans think we're all into Peppa Pig and all other kinds of beef, so he decided to hire a bunch of Cookie Men. What? Cookie Men anybody? Anyways, they're these guys who dress up as cookies with creepy tongues, and one asked me if I wanted to dance. I decided to give him a fifty pence coin, because I could already detect that he was a chav. I saw Cyndy, my girlfriend, chilling over by the punch bowl. She finally saw me, and we had a dance. It was surprisingly cool. But when it went over to the COUPLES music, everything went weird. Almost everyone had broken up since this one incident at the start of the year, so there was like THREE couples up. Me and Cyndy were one of them. Then I felt like pissing myself. Everyone shouted "KISS! KISS!" so me and Cyndy figured that if we did it now, we'd survive. If we didn't, we'd just waste everyone's time, INCLUDING ours. I have to admit, it felt good to have a snog with her, the last time we had one was in January, like six months ago. Oh well, it felt good to see her again.

The couple's music stopped. It was time for the dance-off.*

I was practising my butt off with Cyndy, so we knew we'd have a good go at the damn thing. I also felt out that I'm SUPER flexible, so all the hot moves were as easy as, well, George Hamilton. We broke no sweat. Noah Bailey and his partner, Clarette Michaels were out first, as Noah's splitz ended up sending him and Clarette into the hospital. Next was Linda Redditch and George McRedge, trying a bunch of cheap and crappy moves such as the cock buster and the head yoyo. At least they had survived. The judges, some of the only staff that didn't faint with all the cigarettes and alcohol, were our judges, Mrs. Clair, Mr. Bryant, Miss Jipper, and Mr. McLeon, each giving them one six, and three sevens. Hff, I thought, There's no pressure.

Obviously there was pressure, since Leo Sinclair and Amelia Sinchipper scored two tens and two nines, of course the men gave them nines. Ryan Marley and his gang of fellow dickheads, named the Skullsuckers, (they were suckers), scored four twos. Holy, I thought I was going to be sick when Ryan's trousers had split. The next contestants were Kiera Sinclair and Bill Devine, scored a nine and two tens. Holy crap, they were so annihilate good. There was a whole bunch of others, too, but none of them were really as memorable to put here, so lets skip to mine and Cyndy's act. We were last. The nerve made me want to do this dance me and my best friend, Perry, made called Shotgun Narwhal, the best dance of all time. Well, second best compared to mine and Cyndy's act. We began with the simple Violent Nights act, and broke out between all this amazing Mexican dance. Next we did the Air Spin, which was probably our best move, and the Nipple Cripple, yes, I know what you sickos are thinking, not that, but you get the picture. Then I did my dancing solo, my backflip buttload, and Medal then at the end we ended in this lovey-dovey pose. I had to say, it was the sexiest performance I've ever done. Now the pressure was on. The judges held up...FOUR TENS! Of course, the ladies held theirs upside down. But who cares. We won the grand prize...tickets for a French movie? Of course, when we left the hall where the party had taken place, we exchanged them in with Adam Tony, who gave us two tickets to the latest horror movie, Dispirited Souls, THE MOVIE. Cyndy was a better horror movie fan than I was. The film was amazing. Wow, I actually had a good day at school for once. But still, good riddance, Year Ten.


*A page was found missing after this statement, as torn marks could be seen when turning over

December 19, 2014


Somehow I got picked to be 'Santa's little helper' for the day at Home Lane nursery, and the worst news was that Santa was being played by Amelia Morris. I mean, a girl? No way would I serve a girl. I asked Mr. Jordans, and he denied any chances of me being able to quit the job, so I was stuck doing the time-wasting junk. Pretty swell. Mr. Jordans also said that we were leaving IMMEDIATELY after the register was taken, so that killed any chances of me bailing out. Mr. Jordans told me to 'do my best' and that 'the children wanted a show'. Heck, he did say they wanted a show right? I had a plan. A good one...

It was time to leave and, heck, Amelia told me that I need to do everything she says, but I told her she should kill herself and if we get lost, I'm going to eat her before McDonalds. The nursery was like a mile away from the school, which is actually a pretty long distance for me, so I almost threw up after five minutes. Apparently I have Tension Myositis Syndrome, which is some phobia of walking long distances. When all my groaning and grumbling finally came to an end, we were at our destination, the nursery. So the 'performance' went surprisingly quick, in a good way. When we were finished setting up, I looked at the children and held up a note that read 'I'm being kidnapped!' but they seemed to only focus on the gifts before them - Santa straws. Like who wants a gosh darn straw for Christmas?! Anyways, so when we were done setting up, 'Santa' started to say 'ho ho ho, Merry Christmas! Me and my very special elf friend from the North Pole have came to gift you with the very presents you see now! Get ready...' then was my chance. I elbowed Amelia in the stomach, grabbed like half of the presents and ran off, straight home. My stupid Tension Myositis wasn't stopping me from getting away from this train wreck. I could hear like half of the children in the background cheering and laughing as I ran off. It was pretty funny that she called me an elf though, because I'm like twice the size of her. After I ran off, I headed straight to McDonalds as I was super thirsty, and I used all the Santa straws for the dozen milkshakes I ordered. Phew, I'm guessing that this was the 'Christmas cheer'.

December 21, 2014


School was over. It was finally the holidays. The summer holidays. As soon as school was over, I rang my girlfriend, Cyndy, and told her I was having a party. She said that she was gonna be right here, but on one condition. The worst condition ever.

She had to bring her friend's weird brother.

It was about five 'o' clock when the people started to arrive, and Cyndy and her friend and her friend's brother were first. The boy seemed pretty shy, so I figured if I locked him in the cupboard now, he wouldn't mess up a thing. Obviously, Cyndy already had forseen the chances of me doing that, so she shepherded me up the stairs, into my bedroom, and told me not to. Of course, I did. Apparently the kid was actually SIXTEEN, just a few months younger than me. His name was also "Kuacki", so I couldn't help doing some duck actions when I said his name out loud. He was EVEN moving into my exact class for Year Eleven. Darn, I've got this weirdo to deal with. So I locked him into the cupboard, and he didn't say a word. He just stared at me. I almost opened the cupboard door because his moustache made me tingle. I wanted to touch it, so bad. So my friend Perry came and brought this tablet with a high quality camera, and it was amazing. We basically took photos of every good moment scattered around the event, and holy cheese, in forty years time, I can't wait to look at these. As my parents were away for the weekend, Perry and Cyndy decided to chill over at my place. So we decided to play Spin The Bottle with a bunch of Cyndy's friends, about five guys and twelve girls. I had to kiss the guy sitting next to me, Ray Noels, about eight times before him and a bunch of other people started to pack up their stuff and go home. Finally, I thought, I can kiss some hot girls. Obviously, we played until only me and Perry were the only remaining guys when we decided to play Truth Or Dare. Half of the people went out to smoke a cigarette, including Cyndy before we started, leaving only me, Perry and a bunch of other girls. I barely survived Truth Or Dare before I admitted I still have and write in a Diary, and write it online in extracts on this thing called Wikia. Everyone except me, Perry and Cyndy were left. Obviously, we decided to pack it in for the night as it was like four in the morning.

My tummy fizzed. I'd forgotten about Kuacki.

December 22, 2014


I checked the clock. Five in the morning. Cyndy and Perry were already asleep, so I decided to sneak downstairs to find Kuacki. And sure enough, he was still there, lying in the cupboard. What creeped me out was that his eyes were still open and I couldn't tell whether he was asleep or not, but I picked up his big bony body anyways. I had no idea what to do. I woke Cyndy up, waking Perry up in the process, and before them was the presence of a tiny boy - Kuacki. Perry dropped his jaws in a "OHMIGOSH!!!1!!" manner, whilst Cyndy sighed. I felt bad. We decided that Kuacki would have to chill with us for the night, so he got MY bed seeing as there was no more sleeping bags. I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

When I woke up, I was surprised to see that the heating was on and the sleeping bags and bed was empty, so I figured that Perry, Cyndy and Kuacki had left. But when I went downstairs, I saw Kuacki, eating breakfast. I plopped the packet of the WE'LL SHREDDIES YOU edition of Shreddies, the one with extra protein. A bunch of half eaten pizza came out in the process of pouring. NUUU, I thought. Not the cereal! It was obviously my job to take Kuacki back, seeing as Perry and Cyndy were gone already, but I figured that if I took him home now, his parents would kill me, so I decided that I'd trick him into walking home alone. Or I could just take him there, then I'd hide, easy. But of course, I needed to have some fun with him first.

Paintball.


I thought I'd thrash Kuacki at paintball, but he's actually really, really good.

I decided we'd play in the park, as our garden was really messed up and coated in cigarettes and all sorts of other stuff from the party, so we got our gear and set off. We went to basically the coolest part in the park, where me and Cyndy first met each other AND shared our first snog, the strawberry patch. The area was so beautiful and there isn't even any strawberries, so the groundskeeper obviously wouldn't mess us up because of ruining the area. Almost everything beautiful is out of the way anyway. Kuacki fired the first paintball, and it hit me = in, well, let's leave that private - ouch. At least it wasn't my eye, eye guess. Oh, but guess what? The next one hit my eye. How lovely. I fell on the ground in pain, but I just tricked Kuacki - and all of you - because I shot a paintball right at his leg. He fell over, giving me an advantage over hitting him in the butt. Obviously, I took advantage of that move, and did it as hard as possible. Kuacki seemed fine, so I just continued shooting him with my paintballs. He eventually got up, and shot me in my funny bone, good news because your funny bone is the most vulnerable bone in your body. The last time I hit it was in Year One, where every sentence we made had to end in 'Duck, then jump!', and you know me, I writ 'Suck, then lump!'. Good old days. Kuacki seemed proud at his last move, so I tripped him up, and it started to become a fight. We were both laughing, though. He karate-chopped my stomach, and I barfed, he'd chopped so hard. I was determined to turn him into a pork chop more than ever. We gave each other the look that it was the time to go home, and that Kuacki had won. So, it was.

I remembered something. Something important.


The school was doing this summer holidays school thing, almost like a summer school, except you don't have to show your ugly face there every day. So basically I have to show up at about one in the afternoon, and I'm guessing that means Kuacki has to come with me. Surprisingly, when we got there, I saw a bunch of other kids there, but Mr. Crow, my old English teacher, told me to meet him in his office, because my grades were really crap. I told Kuacki to wait outside. "Your grades aren't good enough! You must practice!" he said, his big moustache making him mumble.

I sneered and walked out.

He just handed me some homework, so I just gave the load to Kuacki to karate chop it in half, and drop it on the floor. I saw a bunch of the school bullies forming a circle around Kuacki and I. I felt awkward. They started teasing Kuacki, and I told them to bug off. They obviously ignored and proceeded. Kuacki started to cry. I pushed Graham Hill over, for insulting his parents, so they obviously tried to beat me up. I kinda felt heroic, but not after I couldn't do a thing about the bullies and Kuacki, since Graham Hill retaliated and threw me out of the circle. When I got up, the bullies were gone, but Kuacki, I saw him lying there. I think he was unconscious, but his moustache was telling me that he wasn't. He had a black eye, too. I had to piggy back him to my place.

He sure had the weight of a piggy, for such a small dude.


I laid Kuacki on my bed, and just stared at his big, fluffy moustache. I think at one point someone dyed it, because it was basically a shade of pink. My phone was ringing. It was Cyndy.

She said Kuacki's sister needed Kuacki, but I explained that he was basically the equivalent of a drunken earthworm (nice way to put it right), so Cyndy came right over.

She basically said that he needed to go to hospital, immediately. Luckily the words 'hospital' woke him right up. He asked us why 'Hoes were spitting on us all', and I could tell that Kuacki was back. I was guessing that Mr. Crow saw me dumping my homework in the bin, because my Mom texted me saying I needed to go to school to pick up my homework. Cyndy left before I decided to go to school, so Kuacki had to come with me AGAIN. I was hoping that the bullies had killed themselves so we could get it done with.

Obviously they hadn't. I basically sneaked into the weird entrance to the school where the perverts hang out, and entered Mr. Crow's office. He handed me a massive pile of cow poop homework, and said DON'T chuck it in the bin. I saw the bullies heading towards Mr. Crow's office, and they obviously seeked vengeance. Mr. Crow obviously foresaw me jumping out of his window, so we had to take the door. They shouted at Kuacki. One of them tried to punch him, but Kuacki rabbit punched their tummy, kneed them in the balls, wrapped his hand around their neck and throttled them on the ground, and kicked them in the face, MULTIPLE times. They all began to flee like hopeless babies, so he grabbed the bully's shoe hit one of the fleeing pewp's head. He probably got a brain tumour.

I saw a bunch of the practising cheerleaders CHEERING for Kuacki's acts, and they all came out and greeted him. One of them even kissed him on the lips. Boy, I was jealous. They even carried him as a group, and I was just left sitting there, my bum wet. I think a few of them trampled the bully, because his face piercings had fallen out. Oh well, all I can say is, suck then lump.

December 23, 2014


Today has probably been one of the single most random days of my existence (which is really saying something!).

Darialea Kendall, my thirteen year-old sister, decided it would be fun to have her friend Cherry come over to our house...just so that they could play Muse, which was some new hit game that they were only playing because their favorite celebrity was referenced five hundred times too many. For five hours, it was basically them beating the heck out of virtual monsters while shouting out random nonsense that sounded like it came from Boater Luna. A Rabbit Moonfield doll, anyone? That is all I have to say for tonight.

December 25, 2014


Christmas day. One of those days that's supposed to be treated as a family gathering, but I just chill upstairs, play video games, and swear. That's the life.

But of course, as my Mom said that 'I'm becoming a man now', I have to sit downstairs and eat all kinds of beef. Yep, I was forced to. So I basically gulped down everything I wanted to eat, about one fourteenth of my actual given food, and ran out of the door. Then my Mom hit me with something.

"You're banned from that Techno-thingy." she told me.

I ran upstairs. Obviously she wasn't stopping me. She pretty much planned the whole thing out, because she said that my annoying cousin, Harry, had to stay in my room until HE left. She said that we were going into the living room, and I had to come with her. Obviously, as my Mom said, I was 'becoming a man now', so I received all the 'manly' gifts.

Socks. Clothes. Nothing cool.

Yep, ultronicraplexlez 2000. But I obviously had to get my vengeance on all those crappy gifts. As I'm 'becoming a man now', I have to gift OTHER people. Then it hit me. I hadn't got any gifts prepared, so, I grabbed the closest thing I could find - a ketchup packet for everyone! Boy, it felt good to see everyone's sarcastic 'thank you' after I presented them with their 'gift'. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.

January 12, 2015


So, at school, we were assigned to this project where we had to write a children's book for Home Lane Nursery, thank my lucky stars it was easy.

The thing is, I was actually TRYING, because Mr. Jordans said that whoever's book is read out and picked, the writer gets a WEEK OFF without any lessons, and bring in whatever they want to occupy themselves whilst the rest of the class works their butts off with work. I figured, if I got a knack for it, I could write even MORE books, and make a fortune. My story was about a boy named Porridge, and he has a diary, in which he scrawls in every day, showcasing his crap-ass life. Surprisingly, Mr. Jordans actually APPROVED of it, which boosted my confidence.

After the results came flooding in, there was actually THREE different ones picked, and mine was one of them, and it was up to the school community for the choice of which one comes through. It was obvious I wasn't gonna win, after everyone learned what I'd done to Kuacki, plus, I'm like the most unpopular kid in the world, AND I was against Mr. Loveboy, Adam Hill and school vice president Miranda Hopkins.

I had no idea, but I actually WON. I was super happy, plus, it was Friday afternoon, and the weekends were coming up, so I figured I could make at LEAST four books by Monday, plus, I could write some stuff at school too, and just watch the money come rolling in.

So, I'd already written eight books by Saturday, and sent them off the Stuffin to get them published. Surprisingly, they actually ACCEPTED it around two days after I sent the books, around Monday and Tuesday. Wow. I'm now officially an author, and no-one even knew about it. With my to-be dillionaire status, I'll BUY the school and bust my way out of my crappy house into some mansion, with fourteen toilets, only because I need them.

After Stuffin said that the books were officially in-stores about a week after they emailed me back, I grabbed a copy, only to find that they spelt my name like 'Darryl Kent', and it turns out there's someone on Footbook actually CALLED that. So everyone was going on and on about Darryl Ken's awesome and q00t new children's books, then he tweeted 'OMG Guys. I just got a pile of money! I'm rich!'

Damn it.

January 18, 2015


Apparently my uncle Harvey and his girlfriend (or should I say 'girlfried', her fake tan makes her look orange-r than, uh, an orange) Sylvia are getting married. Problem is, I have to ATTEND the wedding, and it's been arranged in our local church, which is possibly the worst place ever. No disrespects or anything, but they put waves of frankincense in the atmosphere in early-morning, which means I'll have to inhale it. I've always been an atheist in my own mind, but apparently I'm a catholic according to my Mother. I'm learning something new every day. It's also as dark as hell in there, the only colour is the ugly naked mosaics that were probably made by the priest or something.

So, we attended the 'celebration', and it was exactly what we expected. But there was a twist. As Sylvia was drunk the night Harvey proposed, she gobbled a 'yes' before passing out, and I'm guessing she didn't have a clue what he really asked. Probably 'will you sherry me' or 'will you Bloody Mary me', and she said NO. Harvey gave her a dirty look and, the 'wrath' of the wedding had subsided. Everyone was sighing with relief as soon as we departed too, which I'm guessing is completely natural. Apparently Harvey was acting like a [LOCK CLOSED] in front of Sylvia before they actually broke up that very same day, and I'm pretty proud of the dude for doing so, except I'd probably buy her one of those mosaics from the church. I actually had some spray cans on me as I was giving my bike a paint job, and I couldn't resist spraying 'DARRELED DED E WEEDIDUDUD WUZ WOOZHA WAZZA HERE' on the wall, as about five hundred other pieces of graffiti were already issued. It was pretty fun up to the time when I saw some girl look at me, and I'd only managed to get up to 'DARRELED DED E WEE' before I fled. Now that wall has a note of someone peeing. Oh well, all I've learned today is to never file a request of a mosaic to a priest.

January 22, 2015


So apparently some scandal all over Reddit and other stuff over this illegal gum has been going on and on and won't shut up, so, I've taken it upon myself to buy some of the illegal gum. Apparently your body can't digest it properly, and if it does, you have a struggle to get the poo out of your system because it's that big. So apparently the seller on Nile who I'm buying the gum off is called 'drugroofs', which was pretty nice taken aside that he's selling illegal stuff - one dude said he bought some used fags off the guy. I aspire to be like that. Yanno, all hipsta-y and late 1950-American-y? What, cigarettes and alcohol used to be cool back then. Grease, anybody?

So apparently this gum was EVERYWHERE now, and the Government is enforcing a new law that states that you cannot eat or sell the gum whatsoever, and those who get caught doing so can be prosecuted. I thought it was a pile of crap, considering that the Government does it too. One of my friends from school, Raj brought a box full of the stuff and apparently made a fortune. I dunno why I didn't think of that, God damnit.

The gum was exactly what I expected: a painful, toiletty experience. I honestly don't know why I had to be such a pussy and do it, because it didn't even taste good. Don't ask me why I ate it, I have issues. Perry and I started selling them in stools at school yesterday, and like I expected, we made a fortune. Thanks, Raj. With our new-found wealth, me and Perry decided to treat ourselves to a movie, and we watched about four horror movies before we threw up, and we were there until 4am. I decided to crash at his because his family were away, and since we had around forty quid left, we bought a bunch of bottles of champagne, and since I was too tired to break the law, I stayed safe and let Perry get hammered with the alcohol as he turned eighteen today. What a lucky twat, my birthday's in July. :(

January 23, 2015


This weekend, I have to visit my annoying cousin Remielle in Ontario in Canada, and she's SUPER ANNOYING. I mean, I've never had to go before, but my Mum's forcing me to come with her this time. She is Canadian and all, out of all the films I've seen, only Canadians have set themselves on fire and said 'what' in one of those 'LSW' jokes - no offence, Canada. Since Washington isn't that far from Ontario though, we'll be driving there. The worst part is that my sister, Darialea is coming too. All the scruffy side of my family are in Canada though, so it's gonna be rough. Remielle's one of those people who smokes and takes drugs at the same time, but still has sexiness. She lives - to specify, SWATS - in some run down house, but she's trying to bump up her conditions before we arrive, so she's gonna stay in some fancy hotel and hide all her bad stuff. Mum doesn't even know she does the stuff, and Remielle said she'd put my boyfriend on me if I told her, after all, our Skype calls are pretty long. In fact, Mum thinks that Remielle's WEIRD, because each time she visits her Remielle wears glasses, wears thirteen ear piercings, smells like geese, and worst of all, has a pet duck. I mean, who has a pet duck? Whatever, though.

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